I don't know what it is about the holidays. Sometimes no matter how hard you try to make things perfect, something happens that can throw everything into chaos. This year, I am told my father has prostate cancer the day before we leave for Kamloops. When he told me he was going in for an exam, I feared this, but managed to convince myself that he would be fine. There isn't a history of cancer in the family, and since his heart attack a few years back he has taken much better care of himself, apart from not working too hard. The doctors say it's been caught very early, and it's very treatable. I now find myself trying to believe everything will be ok. And once again, and I feel very selfish about this, I am having to face my own mortality. The irony of a death metal freak terrified of death himself is kind of funny. I think it's not so much that I am afraid to die as I am no longer being alive, if that makes any sense at all. To say that in spite of all the data, and reassurances from the doctors that I am scared for my Dad right now is an understatement. He just turned 67, so that's not very old. Maybe back in medieval times (and that always makes me think of Steve Martin's Theordoric, Barber of York sketch on Saturday Night Live)
The weird thing is, we haven't talked about it yet. It's a horrible flaw in my family, that we don't talk about the hard things sometimes. Laurie has helped me so much in this respect, but I still struggle with it. Maybe I am afraid I will cry if I start talking to him about it. Or that I will see him cry, which would be devastating. Life is not always the easy things. There are always going to be difficult times, especially when things happen to those you love. I am at least thankful I actually have the skills to try and deal with these things now. I know my Dad is going to be ok, I just need to stop trying to convince myself otherwise.
Anyways, it's good to be home for Christmas, and I am eager to see my family's faces when they see the things Laurie & I have made for them. We will post pictures of the stuff I knitted later (rechargin' the camera batteries, don'tcha know...).
